Dinner Scene in Onomichi (Isabelle Kirschbaum)

 This scene struck me as one of the times when the family seems most like a family. Their conversation is comfortable and they seem relaxed around each other. There is no sense of social duty or obligation as there was in previous scenes, like the one where the parents first come to Koichi’s house. This scene is far more familial than social. The family members know how to act around each other, and their dynamic is natural. 

To me, this scene is a fitting portrayal of a family dealing with the death of a parent, partly because it is so natural and unassuming. No one is making any huge displays of emotion, but that does not mean that the sadness of Tomi’s death is not felt. Take Shige’s request for her mother’s things, for example. Kyoko reacts with shock to this blunt and seemingly inconsiderate demand, but I see it as more of a clumsy attempt by Shige to express her grief and show her love for her mother. Grief is difficult to express, and it is often expressed in a way that doesn’t even appear to be grief. There is a certain way that people are expected to behave when experiencing something like the death of a family member, but people rarely ever behave that way.  That behavior is unnatural for many people. 

This is especially true among family members, because they are so close to one another. Reacting to death with dramatic displays of emotion would not only be unnatural among family members, but it would also insult the intimacy of familial relationships. A person who does not feel comfortable around their family might react a certain way because it is how they are expected to react, but if people are comfortable with one another, there is no need for them to conform to expectations surrounding something so emotional. In a way, Shige’s harshness is more meaningful than tears would be. 

This is a good illustration of an idea that I’ve had a lot while discussing this film, which is that the characters should not be thought of as characters, but as real people. In another kind of movie, I would expect dramatic, emotional scenes after the death of a parent. But in reality, that’s not how death and grieving work. Real life is much more subdued and mundane, but that doesn’t mean that it’s less emotional. 

If we look at the meal scene from this perspective, Shige’s attitude towards the situation should not be taken at face value. She is not a character that represents the bad version of how children treat their parents. She is just a person with a certain perspective formed from certain experiences with a certain way of dealing with the world, and we should be able to relate to her as much as we relate to any other character. We can understand Kyoko’s shock at seeing how harsh Shige is, but we can just as deeply understand that Shige might be struggling to express the love and grief that she feels.